April 15, 2019
Fair bit of warning, this is going to be the longest write-up I have done on this blog by far so if any of you wish to skip it, by all means go right ahead. The reason for this is what I am going to discuss has a direct bearing on me personally, my writing, this blog, and the future. Where sometimes I would usually make a blog post about ‘The Individual’ and them following their dreams, here it is me that’s ‘the individual’ in a sense, given that the very thing I’ve been writing about, which is an individual choosing to follow their dreams (or trying to at least) is kind of taking place to a degree in my life, though is still far from being realized.
All of the above and what follows will junction with something that happened last night with my Ol Lady. Though almost all my friends (whether old or new ones) know I’m married, it’s not something I talk about often. This is because of threats that took place to her and other loved ones a while ago and whether I liked it or not its something I had to take seriously as I’m sure some people would understand. This is also why I rarely mention any family members at all.
Before this circumstance I was a person that valued privacy to a great degree; after that it went to a whole ‘nother level by orders of magnitude, which is why it led to me using various pen names on accounts on certain websites. With the incredible rise in the data-mining by the government and corporations, having merely one account is not something I’ve never seen as too sensible. That plus having multiple accounts on Facebook for instance helps circumvent censorship, which is growing more and more by the day.
I am saying this because those issues as well as others has led me to be incredibly careful when using people’s names on this blog. On this website, many times I will talk about a scenario that really did take place, but I won’t mention the names of these friends or acquaintances for the above reasons and so on, unless I have asked them directly; or in some of these posts, these individuals are unknown to me in which case I don’t think its appropriate to use their names. It’s really nobody’s business who I talk about unless that person doesn’t really mind. Plus, it’s the key lessons in myriad scenarios which si what I am attempting to focus on more.
More importantly though, I want to be incredibly precise with this post because if I end up writing a scenario about ‘people’ without naming names (like happened when I was talking about something that happened to my Mom just recently), there’s a possibility it could be misread as something completely different. Hopefully not though because nothing that’s ever been posted on this website has been to ill-intent.
This website from the get go has been about (1) empowering individuals, (2) bringing resources so individuals may continue education in a self-directed fashion, (3) sharing reviews of intriguing books that hold a lot of depth and wisdom in them, (4) sharing documentaries/presentations/podcasts of intriguing information that doesn’t get enough coverage in mainstream circles, and at times in alternative circles, while (5) also sharing information from time to time on the Breakaway Civilization. There’s also (6) motivational blogs, (7) mindset posts, (8) emotional bank account posts, (9) intriguing quotes, and numerous other subjects. But irrespective of all that, it all goes back to ‘The Individual’ – every single person out there, which is why the title of the blog is called ‘BreakawayIndividual’.
With that long-winded preamble out of the way, let’s get down to it. The underlying themes of this whole blog post are (1) chasing your dreams, (2) balance or imbalance within an individual (myself in this case) and (3) relationships.
There’s a lot of circumstances, or perhaps synchronicities is a better term, that have led to me as an individual to be at this current fork in the road of life. Many things that have happened the last few years or so that seemed random at the time totally weren’t. Each of them has led me exactly here. I will only discuss 3 of these, though there’s a LOT of them of myriad types.
The first of these was the fortuitous thing that happened after moving, which was that my health got considerably better. Nowhere near 100%, not even close, but leaps and bounds ahead of what took place before that. Once that happened, I was able to get out of the house. While this might not sound like a big deal, it’s a HUGE deal because for years due to my health I couldn’t be out of the house for too long, if at all, maybe 30 minutes tops if that if I took a lot of meds. I don’t know what changed after moving, and I do have my suspicions, but it matters not, change happened and I was incredibly grateful I had a chance to get out of the house. I wasted no time to begin going to the gym right after that, and slowly got my weight from under 120s or so to where I am now.
The second of these instances regards a video that I wasn’t even looking for but got on a total misclick that discussed people facing their fears. One of my main fears was meeting people. Not that I have trouble talking to people after a conversation starts, but just becoming confident and not worrying about inconsequential things when trying to initiate the interaction with anybody, regardless of age, sex, nationality, background, etc. Anyhow, keeping in mind many of the tenets of the video, the more I tried getting out of my comfort zone, the better it went, and the more and more people I met which only made the experience much more meaningful. That’s helped me an incredible amount, more so than I ever imagined. Before you know it, I got to know over 50 or more people by first name at the gym, and significant details about every single one of them. That would have never happened in the past, because I just would have been (1) too introverted, also (2) lacked the confidence while (3) feeling too inadequate because my perception of myself was that of the person that was sick months before that, and it took a very long time to get over that bump.
The third most significant thing that happened was that I began sharing poems on Instagram. The irony about that is that it wasn’t my idea at all. In fact, for a few months I fought my friend over not using the platform at all. Though I had an account that I didn’t use for years, it never appealed to me. I obviously didn’t know people wrote poetry until I began using it a couple of weeks into this year. If I would have known THAT I would have been sharing things on there for years. One Saturday (that’s the day we used to have business meetings) he hammered away at me for nigh 2 hours until he convinced finally convinced me.
The plan? I almost laugh at this irony, what was the plan? The plan was….to use Instagram for….wait for it…wait for it….business. I almost want to laugh hysterically because that didn’t work out at all, not even close. That was because on a random whim I decided to check to see if one of my favorite modern poets shared things on there and voila. If that was it, that would be one thing. I was already enjoying that unknown aspect of the platform. What came after was just a tsunami the likes of which I never saw coming. I didn’t realize hundreds and hundreds of people shared poetry there. Not. One. Bit. I felt like I had found a place where I could share poetry publicly again. I had been writing privately for years, or in some little nooks and cranies of the internet under different aliases, but nowhere that I saw so many people doing the same thing. I found a place that I could call home when it came to poetry.
In the past I attempted to share on Facebook, it just wasn’t the same thing, not even close. Not that it can’t be done, it totally can, it just has a different feel. WordPress is great, and that’s why I share poetry on here as well. Now I’m on both platforms since I enjoy them the most, though I default to WordPress more since there’s simply more you can write more on here than you can there. That said, each platform has its strengths and weaknesses, but I still enjoy both.
Why share that prior (long) story? Because all of those circumstances, and more are leading me towards growing as a writer faster than I’ve ever grown before.
With all this in mind, my love and passion for writing, research, reviews and poetry is causing friction in my relationship with my wife, though not in a way that people might think. For starters, we’ve been together going on 13 years, and married going on 8. I say this for context because its not like ‘chasing your dreams’ is as simple as it might seem at first blush. I would be lying if I said I didn’t want too, but that will be discussed later.
The first few years, our relationship meandered in the usual run-of-the-mill relationship where you kind of go through the motions, but it was akin to a ship being above water merely because of how its built, though it wasn’t being was not going anywhere. One time, I’m not sure what changed, or what happened, but one day everything changed drastically. Years later we were each entirely different people and had both grown more than we thought we ever could. This is mentioned because there’s been mutual support the whole way – its been a two-way road from the get go. That’s one significant component that makes this incredibly difficult, its not like she wants me not to write, she loves that I am doing it, and she loves how far I’ve come.
That said, there’s a direct correlation between me chasing my dream, and this current problem. It’s not that we’re not spending enough time together, we do, I would say more so than the average couple. I COULD be wrong on this though. That said, we each get to make our schedules, and I work in the morning and at night, using the middle of the day for the gym and lots of online work/writing/reading/research, but I’m home when she gets home nigh always unless I decided to write for a couple of hours on the weekend or randomly . The thing is, we both got used to me being home literally 24/7 since I was home bound for years, but those circumstances were tough for myriad reasons. Now, since I’m healthy enough to be outside the house, I hesitate not to head outside and experience life that way, though I admittedly glued to writing a lot of the time, that’s just what I love doing. All of this has helped my growth as a person greatly, and when that is coupled with my health progressing and my writing, I know I am growing at an incredible rate.
But the confluence of circumstances, which is now being led by writing and this blog, is causing friction in our relationship. It’s not like we argue or even yell or anything like that, its never been that way. We have had our moments when we ‘fill our quota’ for the month after we disagree on something, but it’s never been anything we couldn’t overcome. Right now though, this is a fairly big deal.
This part of our discussion went into one thing she did mention that I disagreed with her with, and that was that she said the problem was a small one. I disagreed and told her it’s not merely small problem because anything that makes a relationship suffer even a little bit is a big fu#@ing problem. That’s just how I see it. And I use the word suffer deliberately, not because I want to blow anything out of proportion, but I can tell its affecting her greatly. It’s not a “you’re spending too much time with the boys” kind of thing, though I do spend time with friends at times, its definitely a writing issue. The issue is affecting us nonetheless.
Let’s take a quick side bar for a moment. Years ago I saw someone make a youtube video about balance, or specifically, imbalance. To boil down his argument, he was stating that sometimes the only way to get what you need is to be out of balance somewhere in your life. Though I understood where he was going with it, the issue has never applied to me (that I know of) until now. Not unlike working extra overtime (sacrificing time elsewhere) at a job for you to go on a vacation, save money, buy a car, buy a house, invest, etc.
Last night it just clicked. My growth as a writer has been directly proportional to how ‘out of balance’ certain things are in a way.
As far as arguments/discussion go, neither of us are mad, not even close. I told her I wish the problem was a simple as I just got drunk on a weekend with some hookers and screwed up big, she laughed. Of course I said it in jest because that’s an easy problem to solve with me getting kicked to the curb. This issue really isn’t though.
Curiously enough, she said that the solution to this problem isn’t black or white. This is ironic because for months I’ve been writing (sometimes publicly, sometimes privately) about me living in a world of grays and I couldn’t help but to think of those poems and so on. There really isn’t a clear answer though.
How does one as an individual handle an issue where the best solution would be giving up the biggest dream you ever had? Don’t misunderstand me, I’m not saying she’s asking this. In fact, that’s what makes it worse. She isn’t. If anything she loves what I do and is incredibly supportive about every single thing. In fact, she even said that though my health isn’t perfect, it’s a lot better than it has been in many years, and she’s glad we’re having this problem and I agreed.
Why would we both be glad about this problem manifesting? Because without being healthy I wouldn’t be here, and without that I wouldn’t have subjected myself to the circumstances that have led me to grow as a person and a writer.
With all that in mind, I am really uncertain of what the best option is.
Some of the possibilities are (1) I could simply quit writing, but boy would this hurt. But I am one to consider every possibility, so there’s that. Or (2) I could write less, but still, that’s almost worst than the first one since the first one at least you’re done writing. The second one is like being in perpetual foreplay. The agony would make me die. I think I rather swim in an ocean of gasoline for eternity than not be able to write to the fullest extent. The next option is (3) to simply become a better multi-tasker and ‘add’ more time somehow. Don’t even ask me how that makes sense, it’s just an idea. I just mention it because sometimes there’s significant time drains that people have and maybe cutting back in some of them could help greatly. There’s probably more options but my mind is total mush at this moment.
Another significant thing that’s noteworthy is that sometimes you get inspiration as an artist, writer, poet, painter, etc., and when that happens you just steamroll through ‘work’. For instance, in an example of reverse-inspiration, my Mom was hospitalized days ago and I’ve been writing dark poetry profusely ever since. Writing in that case is a huge venting mechanism.
The irony of that bit is that as far as my poetry goes, I’ve never written anything like what I am writing now I mean, I’ve written about darkness since I was a teenager, but never with the speed and precision that I am doing now. Though I should be ‘grateful’ that I am growing as a writer, I don’t like that my growth is at the expense of my Mom’s health. I am probably seeing the circumstance incorrectly, and my gut is saying I am, I just mention that because it’s the first thing that’s popped in my mind. Obviously my Mom being hurt isn’t directly causing my growth as a writer, it just feels that way. If I could reverse it and have her not go through what she did I’d take that and dump my progress in a nanosecond. It is what it is though.
The point is that, those type of instances in which a writer ends up getting ‘in the zone’ can be incredibly random at times, and that’s wholly unplanned. How do you not take advantage of that. It’s like the equivalent of doing 16 hours a work in a day AND feeling fantastic after that ready to go another round. For instance, just yesterday, on a random nudge I got in IG to figure out what poem I was going to post next. I just happen to run into an account I’ve never seen before, and bam, there it goes again, it was like I was in a trance. I knocked out over a dozen poems that were complete in about 30 minutes. It was as effortless as breathing. But those moment sometimes come at a cost, and I am wholly uncertain at how to tackle this issue.
I only mention everything because all these instances have brought me here, now, to total imbalance (in a way). Where that leads, I know not. I honestly have not the faintest idea. I just find it ironic once again, that for weeks I’ve been writing about people taking journeys, following their dreams, so on and so forth, but not under the guise that it would be me since as far as I was concerned I’ve already laid the foundation for it with this very blog. What I didn’t expect is my rapid growth, at a much greater rate than has ever taken place and that actually getting to this current issue.
Paradoxically, even with all the writing I’m doing I honestly can do a lot more but I haven’t been for myriad reasons. And I haven’t even tried painting like I did once! I love painting, but it doesn’t love me, let’s just leave it at that. We’re on a current hiatus. The point is that I still want to do more research, more reviews, more poems, it matters not. Just haven’t done that since it’s such a commitment doing so much anyways. It is a dream of mine to do all that and more. Not even for the money but for the passion and love for it. Moreover, what WOULD happen if I end up doing that? I don’t even want to consider the thought.
I’m not going to pretend that this will be solved in a day, or weeks, or months. I can tell I’m at a crossroads, that’s not hard to see. I never thought I’d do poker, I never thought I’d run and operate businesses and I sure as hell never thought I’d ever consider to seriously write (not for money since writers don’t make much, but as a hobby or passion) and yet here we are. Heck, I never thought I would get healthy again, and that happened (THANK goodness).
What do you do when life is going great, but there’s a fork in the road and you’re unsure where to go? More importantly, what do you do when either path you take means giving something else up that means the world to you?
 This is not only to serve as a name for historical figures that were far ahead of other individuals, but also for individuals to ‘breakaway’ themselves from the system that wishes to harvest their ever penny, ounce of energy and more.
 This is one issue that was already touched upon, but I will mention it again because its important: sometimes individuals of an artistic nature end up getting inspired about the most random things, and then BAM! You’re in the zone. With me personally, this could be as spontaneous as staring at a random pond (not even kidding) to the most seemingly inconsequential things like a paper airplane. When those instances take place, it’s like all the Muses in the world just super-charged your being and put you on the clock to crank out your best work. But the downside of this is that it can be incredibly random which is the unfortunate part about it.
 For what it’s worth, regarding the title, the ‘seeds’ are the poems, and the ‘wings’ is the writing.
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About The Author:
Zy Marquiez is an avid book reviewer, inquirer, an open-minded skeptic, yogi, and freelance writer who aims at empowering individuals while also studying and regularly mirroring subjects like Consciousness, Education, Creativity, The Individual, Ancient History & Ancient Civilizations, Forbidden Archaeology, Big Pharma, Alternative Health, Space, Geoengineering, Social Engineering, Propaganda, and much more.